my newest existential crisis.
a brief quarter four check in
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this is just a reminder to myself
to explore,
to never lose the inkling of something greater,
to never get complacent.
I remind myself that my soul needs a breeze to cling to,
a breath to inhale
when I deprive my lungs of air.
I promise to give myself the space to wander,
without a definition
or a time limit,
without another being or another destination.
maybe it’s all about the restless travels,
and the woman sent to experience them.
It’s been a while. I’ve been leaning intentionally into my creativity poetry-wise, weaving together different concepts and surrounding myself with great poets. As part of my update, I can tell you that I performed in my first slam! I made it to the second round but I didn’t become a finalist. Inwardly, my competitive nature caused my pride to plummet, but my rational mind understood the outcome. Even though I didn’t become a finalist (the top two winners compete in a grand slam in February), I still performed with the best. Now I am a contender, a writer with a seat at the table for my artistry. Now I can see a glimpse into my superpower. Learn more about creative superpowers from this recent piece:
I have been writing for this newsletter in the meantime as well. I wrote a piece about the train wreck we call Love is Blind that’s still in its polishing stage, and another about how successful I am at not being successful. The latter piece took me back to my debut poetry collection Words from a Wanderer, where I wrote the poem reminders above. Wanderer was published at a time of immense possibility four months after I graduated undergrad with zero job prospects and no idea what the next year would entail. I had hope for the future though, especially after the four hardest years of my life. Surely, there was nowhere to go but up.
Now I’m two years past graduation day, and almost two years into working full time, but I’m back in this space of possibility except now I fear stepping into something new. And it’s not like anything’s wrong. I do love the work I do now, and I’ve built professional relationships that I value. It feels wrong to ask for something more, like life right now should be enough, but I feel myself drifting again like the wanderer I am. Those who love me won’t say it, but I know they feel like I don’t stick with anything. Maybe that’s the twenty-something in me, this so-called generational trait of never lingering long enough to prove yourself wrong. Or maybe we’re listening to what’s right for us. I haven’t figured it out yet.
It’s even more daunting that as I write this, I realize I wrote about this particular feeling in my very first newsletter post about creativity at a car dealership:
Is this a sign of the new year looming, or my next regularly scheduled existential crisis that causes me to consider quitting everything I’m doing and moving to a new city to gain perspective?
A few weeks ago, I screenshotted this Substack note from writer
that read, “If you don’t know what you want in life, think about what you want less of.”
Here’s what I want less of:
less demands of my time
less unsolicited opinions
less second guessing
less caring
I figure some points on this list blend together. To not receive unsolicited opinions, I have to stop caring so they don’t settle in my mind to be received, which leads me to not second guessing myself. It’s simple, yet so complex. I’m tired of considering everything. I’m tired of considering everyone except myself. Yet here I am, too responsible for my own wandering good.
While most of these opinions exist in personal connections, social media also feeds into the wanderer tendencies I possess. Why would I want a 9 to 5 job when people are traveling to Italy, a place that’s been on my bucket list for years? Why would I pursue that time constraint when I could be working for myself and setting my own flexible hours? If they can do it, why can’t I? And while I can do it, the question isn’t about my capability. It’s about whether it’s a reality I can step into at this moment.
I needed the reminder to never get complacent because it will keep my dreams alive, but if I’m honest, I’m also afraid of both extremes. I’m afraid of being complacent and I’m afraid to be boundless. I’m afraid of living days at a time without knowing where the money will reside, but even knowing where it will reside, there’s something tethering me to another space I am meant to inhabit.
I’ll enter this new year with a list of things I want more of:
more self-confidence
more flexibility
more creativity
more space for me
I might throw caution to the wind next year or I might stay grounded against the wind’s strong pull. All I know is that the decision will be mine, no matter how it might be perceived.
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See you next week 🧡