sincerely, a prideful creative.
Tired of "success" and "about" pages
🎧 New episode alert! I finally returned to the mic for a new episode of Sheer Creativity about my social media experience and why I chose to leave social media in December 2023. It’s not a 100% departure right now (I still have a Facebook for work purposes). Still, I’m significantly less exposed to social media and experiencing the benefits and challenges of being an offline creative. If you’re interested in this journey, tune in on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
I’m starting something new soon. I’m still in the throes of the planning process (my favorite part of the journey), but I can tell you that I won’t be speaking into a mic or being the primary face of the mission. I’ll be taking a backseat position, and each day I pursue this new thing, I find myself more satisfied with being behind the scenes.
Last month, I wrote about acknowledging your gifts. It’s a process I’m still exploring, to learn what talents feel natural and what feels forced, or even what feels uncomfortable but worth enduring. It seems like the process is easier when others affirm those qualities in your younger years. On my podcast, I spoke to a dancer whose mother enlisted her in lessons because she could see a dancer lingering within her child’s limbs. I didn’t grow up with that awareness. There weren’t moments where someone could discern my path just by observation. Instead, I became a trial-by-error person, trying a million things and seeing what I enjoy.
While throwing the metaphorical spaghetti noodle against the wall to see if it sticks, I realize how accustomed I am to adding new skills and titles into my repertoire. Writer of this. Host of that. Founder of this. Creator of that. And there’s a pressing notion that I should add more.
I’m making a new website for my latest project, and last week, I made an “about” page for myself. I used all the necessary words to describe my “achievements,” and man, the tiredness I felt just writing that sentence. The truth is, my body feels disconnected from a lot of those labels. All these labels, yet I still don’t think I’m successful. All these accomplishments, but I still compare. All these creations, but I still feel like my existence must be proven worthy.
I’ll admit what most won’t. I’m a prideful creative. I want the praise when someone congratulates my work. I feel worthy when someone reads my poetry. I have this innate desire to be noticed and highly regarded.
Maybe you wouldn’t consider desiring achievements a form of pride. I don’t think wanting to be a human with achievements is prideful, but I do find that pride can be quite chameleon-like. You might believe you’re working toward some goal with the right intentions, but when you examine your motives with a magnifying glass, there’s pride, a sneaky chameleon hiding in plain sight who knows you only want to achieve this goal to boost yourself to a level of esteem that you don’t think you deserve.
My high-achieving personality is fueled by pride in the labels I collect, originating from my shame for failing societal expectations.
I’ve always struggled with a perceived lack of worthiness. To combat this feeling, I decided to leave social media personally and professionally and try to unearth the origin of this emotion. I realized that when pride changed colors, it was shame in its place. I desired the notoriety because I never thought I was enough and needed someone to cosign on my value. This shame I felt caused pressure to achieve, and I think many creatives who begin “achieving” for the sake of wanting value end up burning out from pursuits that they never desired to do in the first place.
Pride will make you spend hundreds of dollars for a venture you’re not yearning to accomplish, but you feel pressured to do because social media champions the entrepreneur and the “high value” earner. Pride will make you boast about your “hustle” while your body cries out in abandonment. Pride persuades you to compare yourself to someone else’s content and you believe that you deserve the same treatment more than your fellow creative.
Pride is designed to make us suffer in more ways than one. Not only do our bodies and our wallets suffer, but so does sustainability. How much merchandise from forgotten brands lands in landfills? How many ideas have we stuffed in the garbage can?
This is not to say that you and I must limit the amount of success we aim for, but what I haven’t considered until now is reasoning and intention. Do I genuinely want to start this or do I feel like I must prove myself because I wasn’t affirmed in the past? It’s the attachment of several degrees so you don’t feel as small. It’s taking every opportunity because there’s someone to impress, even if it’s just yourself.
I had to assess my dreams and categorize them as either a calling I needed to pursue or a crutch needed to hold me up. I think the things we believe we need are crutches because we’re injured by our perceptions of ourselves.
I leave no room for failure or second-guessing my pursuits. All I know is that there’s a previous version of myself that I don’t want to be again.
Freedom from the pressure and anxiety of pride sprung from this new project since I began working toward something that truly has nothing to do with me. Sure, I can create it, but in the end, I’m not sustaining it or seeking glory from its success.
Getting the glory means you must live up to an expectation of perfection, a never-ending cycle of expansion that feels exhausting. For this project, I realized I didn’t need an about page for myself; this project is about other people, specifically those who identify as women.
In the website planning process, I’ve decided to delete the “about” page about myself as a founder. It’s not where I find my worth, and the more I detach from perfectionism, the more free I feel from the pervasive nature of pride.
ICYMI 🏃🏽♀️: Run back to these past posts from of wisdom & wander. Posting twice a month has seemingly been my flow lately, so I’m hoping to see you all again (through words) later this month.
See you soon 🧡
Incredibly insightful and introspective. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your process as you work through it. I can relate on so many levels. When you say being affirmed at a younger age helps identify our natural talents but then we seek affirmation even in adulthood - that’s worth unpacking.
You couldn't have written this at a better time. I feel like I am going through a major transformation where I am letting go of things that I thought I had to do to prove myself on social media. I thought I wanted to become a travel blogger, but then I realized I was just chasing the money and the label that comes with it. I was hiding who I really was just to make the algorithms happy. But I also returned to my creative roots with writing and exploring deep topics, and I can honestly say that I feel like a weight has left my shoulders. I'm no longer doing something just to prove myself. This was beautiful!